Some thoughts on recovery

Almost four months ago I took a step towards a better life. I began to think about things that could be rather than how my life had been or how to keep things the same. The status quo was a sinking ship, doomed from the start to be tossed about by the smallest perceived slight and easily swamped by an honest look in the harsh light of day. I found the rooms of AA out of desperation, I literally could think of nowhere else to go. I sat quietly neither moving or looking around and listened as one by one people came forward and shared their stories. I got no insight, I had no revelation, no divine intervention but I came back again the next night. There was something there, some impression that I got that first night, that brought me back. I do remember stopping to re-read the sign just inside the door, a quotation that said "I am responsible. Whenever anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to always be there. And for that I am responsible."

The second night I sat and listened and one man came to the podium and began to talk of a plan of action. He said that he had been lonely and that he believed that if all of your friends and all of your family had written you off and all you had was God, then God was enough. He went on to say that in the depths of his own despair he had prayed to God and he got an answer. He said that God didn't give him what he wanted but he got what he needed. He said that you should pray for miracles because you can't get what you don't ask for. I went home that night and in the darkness I knelt and prayed like I hadn't prayed since I was a child, with the earnestness and innocence of one who had nothing else. I prayed for a miracle and the next day God answered my prayer, he gave me hope, the miracle would come later. I carried that hope inside of me to meeting after meeting. I carried that hope with me when I asked that man to be my sponsor and then I received the miracle that I had prayed for, he said yes. I thank God for Bill every day, without him I would still be lost.

One of the recurring ideas in AA is to approach the program of recovery with an open mind, I heard this said over and over and I couldn't quite understand the concept. At rest I cleared my mind of all conscious thought and rewrote the first step in my mind, "I am an alcoholic, and my life had become unmanageable." Focusing on this thought alone I looked at it from all sides, saying it to myself over and over and testing it with different scenarios each time the same, I was convinced or rather, I believed that I was alcoholic and my life was unmanageable. The thought had become a belief as I opened my mind to it, I no longer merely thought that I had a problem, I believed it in my heart and knew it to be an absolute truth. This was the beginning of a profound change in the way that I could approach my everyday life, this simple exercise had empowered me to evolve a way of thinking or rather believing that would propel me forward in all of my endeavors.

The shell that I had placed myself in to protect me from the world was softening. From an early age if something frightened me I cowered inside myself and waited for it to pass. If I felt hurt I would ignore the pain. If I felt threatened I would turn away. To protect myself from hurt feelings I refused to feel anything. I couldn't grow in a vacuum, inside a shell that I had built to protect myself from pain and insecurity and hurt feelings. Once I could open my mind, without fear, I could begin to grow emotionally and learn to deal with life head on. Alcohol that had been used for a crutch, a cloud to hide in, was less and less on my mind. You don't crave what you know that you don't need.